THE MODERN KU KLUX KLAN

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Editor's Note: Our Talkin' Smack satirist Reggie Birtwistle may come off as an unhinged pre-teen boy, but Douglas, the man behind the character, is in fact one of the nation's foremost experts on the Ku Klux Klan. Here he provides a brief glimpse into the seedy, criminal life of a modern klanner. 

Klanners are far and above my favorite target, as the material writes itself with these freaks. A lot of my Smacks are just screenshots about what they're posting online with some added commentary pointing out how stupid they are.

When we're talking about the modern Ku Klux Klan, for the most part we're talking meth addicts and drug dealers. Almost every person leading a Klan group these days, like their wizards and dragons, have the following in common: Low educations, spotty work histories, extensive criminal records, being absent and/or abusive fathers, widespread spousal abuse jackets, prone to insane conspiracies, the delusion that they're decent Christian men, poor credit risks. 

They're also rather unfaithful, disloyal, and untrustworthy. Their vows of marriage or oaths to the KKK are disposable and meaningless. The chumps are always infighting, which I get a kick out of egging on. It saves me grief letting them beat each other to death. And talk about snitches. I've yet to come across one of these modern klanners who wouldn't rat out his own mother much less his fellow klansman. They trash me in their chats and groups, but then run to me to tattle on each other. Makes my day! 

I think of them as wannabe outlaw bikers, but they don't have a large drug distribution network, can't make the weight class, failed to climb up the white supremacy ranks in prison, have zero respect coming from other white supremacists, and can't afford the motorcycles.  

My team and I vet these people extensively. What you just read is what we found as being the common denominators of the modern Ku Klux Klan, especially in regards to their leadership structure. Quite often there is only a leadership structure, because there are no foot soldiers. Everyone of them wants to self-declare as a wizard or high-ranking officer. It's a bit like some of the militias out there, you have unearned officer ranks and stolen valor medals. Except the klanners use patches.    

There is no actual "legitimate" process in becoming the head of a Ku Klux Klan group anymore or earning a rank. It's not a local group rising up in a community, who claim to be upstanding citizens wanting to protect their town. They thought that anyway. No local businessmen or church deacons. Now, you tend to have online groups where there may be one member in one state, one or two in another, and all of them far away from each other, which keeps them extremely disorganized and ineffective, while tripping over each other.
So, you have some guy walking around his hovel in urine-smelling boxer briefs from Walmart all mad that his grand wizard offended him, who decides he wants to be a grand wizard now, because if Skippy can be one, so can he. An hour later, he's online asking his Facebook or VK friends to join his new Klan group. Some fool three states away will pop up saying they'll join and is automatically made the grand dragon for their state. Then someone receives a patch in the mail to sew to their black pleather vest. It's hilarious. It gets even funnier, when half the time in their bios they misspell the name of their KKK group and the title they hold within it.   

The racism remains. The idea that they're the superior human, simply because they're white, remains. But the reality is that these are just worn-out, low-character clowns acting out through their meth hazes and life failures. They're more likely reporting to parole officers instead of authentic klan elders.

Infighting and online drama - no one can out drama queen a klanner - runs along with their "shock mommy" games. That's where a lot of their immaturity lies. They post shocking photos of Jews, Blacks, or Gays, see how many racial slurs and threats they can fit into their posts, talk about how they're going to do this or that in a race war. Mentally, they're at that child developmental stage where they're trying to shock mommy by offending or grossing her out, then bragging to their friends about getting one over on a parent. Eating boogers or dropping a curse word are attention-seeking behaviors. That's what they're doing.  

Notably, these klanners are masters at being online tough guys. Look at me! I'm pointing a gun at the camera! Look at my knife! Swish, swish I'mma cut you!! Look how scary I am, mommy! You better run. I a tuff guy. I know where you live and coming to get ya!

Over the years, they've sent us many threats claiming they've located staff members and are coming to get them. They never show up. 

They forget that they're criminals and we can not only defend our properties, but call 911 knowing the cops are looking at two parties: Taxpaying, law abiding journalists and criminals attempting a home invasion. Klanners don't think things through very well. Plus, they assume, because someone isn't posting a photo of themselves pointing a gun at a webcam, that means they must be unarmed. Ha, ha, ha. Come see, boys!

Are there any old school KKK groups out there: Sure. Very rare though. You don't see them beating their chests online or self-anointing themselves with titles and donning colorful, satin robes they had some lonely Lady of the Invisible Empire make for them and then forget about paying for it. The biggest group would be the Knights Party and they gave up the robes long ago. Even they are mainly a bunch of old men or backwoods types waiting for a race war to come about, so they can bravely defend the Ozarks and raise up the long dead Confederacy, while they sit around having picnics and misinterpreting the Bible.    

Once in awhile, you might see three or four old timers long past their prime wearing their robes and sitting in lawn chairs outside a Southern courthouse for a protest, but rarely is it more than that. Later, you might see them on a mobility scooter at Walmart. That's not to shame size or disability, that's an evidence-based observation. When there's been a large event, say 2017's Unite the Right, some of these new and old types might mix, as there's safety in numbers. Yet these days, they're no longer even making an effort at doing public rallies, as those always fail miserably, so they've moved things behind closed doors where people can't laughing at them.  

If you run backgrounds on the participants, which we do, you'll see that none of these  klanners are who you'd want as a neighbor, even if you're another racist white person. They're shady, they're criminal minded, they're addicts unwilling to seek treatment. They're going to steal the copper wiring out of your A/C and try to sell dope to your kids, while the trash from their yards blow over onto yours. You're going to find them passed out with their pants around their ankles beneath your daughter's bedroom window with a meth pipe sticking out of their mouth. At least you can be entertained by the loud screaming matches in their front yards. 

We see quite a few sexual deviants and registered sex offenders among the modern klanners. Over the years, Talkin' Smack has obtained an enormous amount of their personal communications where they send each other photos of their sex organs and bags of dope - assumedly the things they hold most dear and believe will impress others. We've got texts discussing bestiality and sharing of marital partners. 

What can get scary, however, is when these klanners have a private gathering of the klans and we see photos of registered sex offenders mixing with children.       

Are they dangerous? Generally, just to their wives and children, who they seem to enjoy beating. Sometimes they fight each other, usually over bad drug deals or small slights.

The biggest danger they pose, however, are being criminals in your community. Fortunately, they're not very bright and get arrested quite often, as their court records reflect.  

Were a race war to ever occur, these modern klanners believe they will be hailed as heroes, when the reality is they'll still be at the bottom of things. A white race separated area isn't going to be friendly for them. They tend to forget that for the most part it's other white people locking them up now. They don't want them in their white society, nor will they put up with their bullshit. That's not going to change regardless of what the future holds.